A Nonsense Story of Daniel And The Colorado Men

September 30, 2010 § Leave a comment

Ed.– A few years ago I found this small book stuffed in a decaying wooden box in the back of a train station in Leadville, CO. It was nestled amongst a bunch of original AT&T stock certificates and a cracked and dirty pair of eyeglasses. Most the pages were filled with illegible script and stains of tobacco and what looks to be opium. No name on the front. I was rereading the book and was struck by the timeliness of this little story. Enjoy at your peril.–

Once a man named Daniel thought it would be quite fun for him to lead a group of younger men from Colorado in a game of American football. The first order of business, then, would be for Daniel to teach these men the rules of the game. Daniel couldn’t teach the game, though, because he had forgotten everything, including how to form words and sentences. When he wanted to say “run down the field” he’d instead say “herf pollysmith tennis wick!” At first the men were confused, but all problems evaporated when they were persuaded by Daniel’s earnestness and they too forgot everything.

Now on the same non-plane, everyone quickly improved. The linemen were shrinking, the wide receivers got slower, and the quarterbacks had all blinded each other as sign of friendship. Daniel was proud of the men and expressed it to them by giving them extra laudanum in their Gate-o-rade. He also thought they were finally good enough to play someone from another place, so he sent out, to all the corners of the earth, manila envelopes full of dirt and fingernails and live mice as a sign of the Colorado men’s ¬†preparedness. No one knew what these envelopes meant and so Daniel remained unanswered for three hundred years.

One day as the Colorado men were practicing their knee sprains they heard a strange noise beneath them. They realized it came from the other side of the world so they walked over to the other side and a strange sight met them. The Georgian football team was in full scrimmage. But the Colorado quarterbacks, who had regained partial sight because of the excellent work they put in in the faith-healings, were confused: this was football? Where is their maypole? And why are they running? Where are they running? Surely you can’t have a proper game without the kosher wine flasks! And who was going to play the mountain goat position? They don’t even have a mountain goat! The men turned to Daniel for leadership.

“Bawdy fruit spackle. Winchester.” He said sternly. This didn’t even have meaning in the land of nothing.

Their faith a little shaken but their loyalty intact, the men of Colorado challenged the Georgians to a game. All of the Georgians tittered (and there is nothing more terrifying than all Georgians tittering simultaneously), but accepted the challenge. For a referee both sides agreed the best choice was President William Howard Taft, because he had been a Supreme Court justice and was dead so he must know everything and would therefore know who was the better team.

The game was short and slow, as beauty was created with great ugliness. There were only three timeouts for seasonal harvests, with Colorado picking fresh apples and Georgia netting a school of smoking salmon. Colorado took the apples and made them into a cauliflower salad for the Georgians and the Georgians wove the smoking salmon into new uniforms for the Colorado men. In other words, everything was going according to Daniel’s plan.

In the last two minutes of the sixth 1st quarter, however, Georgia’s Washaun Ealey remembered he knew things and actually walked across the field into the end zone and William Howard Taft said he couldn’t be bothered to watch a football game, damn it, he was dead, which everyone took to mean he thought Georgia had won.

Daniel was heartbroken that his idea hadn’t turned out as well as he had hoped. He apologized to the Colorado men “Fopdoo peez vingle, twee chop. Ming vase.” The men saw his sadness and wanted to warm him up, so they gave him a blanket and then set him on fire so he’d be okay.

Daniel would probably have another idea tomorrow.

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