Associated Press G8 Poll

September 27, 2010 § Leave a comment

Sportswriters’ Polls fit firmly within the tradition of America Doing Something Asinine But Stickin’ With It Because It’s Tradition. We all know that such paragons of intellect like Craig James* know jack shit about teams that haven’t been put directly in front of his eyes, but sure, his opinion can matter in determining the national champion because he’s a journalist AND ARE YOU QUESTIONING TRADITION DEAR SIR? GOOD DAY I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU. (Fact: the only 3 AP voters who I trust to make sense are Chris Fowler, Andy Staples, and Mike Hlas of the Cedar Rapids Gazette who is included just because I really like his Twitter feed and Iowa is America and I love America).

*Until writing this post I had no idea that Craig James was an AP voter. Yes, that response of nausea you just had is totally normal.

But did you know that the AP has polls for other things? Besides sports? Me neither, at least not until I was leaked the latest AP rankings of the G8 nations by a disgruntled AP intern. He included the voters’ notes on the nations as well. “Ranked for what end?”, you might ask. By asking that question, however, you have already demonstrated a level of self-awareness and common sense that disqualifies you from becoming an AP voter. Behold, the results of the AP G8 poll.

1. Canada (47 first place votes) – Notes: “Pierre Trudeau always puts out a top quality nation. Whadya mean he’s been dead for a decade?”. “I’ll admit I haven’t been Yukon-way in awhile, but I was talking with Mitch Albom in the Coliseum press box last Rose Bowl and he said that he could see from Michigan that Canada was rumbling along nicely.” “The Canucks’ debt-to-GDP ratios would be the jealousy of every SEC school.”

2. Russia (12 first place votes, totally absent from NY Post writer’s ballot) – Notes: “Can’t forget the way they wiped the floor with Georgia back in 2008.” “Putin made a great choice in a successor with Medvedev.” “They have a chokehold on every pipeline, everywhere.” “VODKA!” “I get the feeling that they’d go anywhere and take on anyone to prove a point.”

3. Germany (3 first place votes) – “Woulda ranked them higher, but I had to take a point off for being led by a woman. Principles, guys, principles.” “Gotta think that this traditional power is finally back on the path to glory. Hopefully they’ll handle the success better this time.” “Plaschke’s a German name, ain’t it?” “Always acquit themselves on the biggest stages.”
4. United Kingdom – Notes: “Got some talent, but I’ve never seen a nation win with 2 Prime Ministers, but it’s always fun watching someone try.” “The intensity of their fans can’t be questioned.” “Are prone to the stray stumble against a lesser opponent, or have we all forgotten back in the 80’s with Falkland-Gate?” “Amazing to see the Constitutional Government Tree branch out to so many other squads, including the major players of the USA and Canada and to the burgeoning midmajor of Australia (can’t wait for them to take on the role of G8-Buster)”

5. Japan (2 first place votes) – Notes: “Their getting up there in years, but you just can’t teach game-time experience.” “Mariotti and Bayless always stop off in Tokyo for a day or two during their annual trips to Thailand. Only highest praise for ’em.” “The Japanese have a strong culture of success.” “Get the feeling that their really ‘all-in’ for the team.”

6. USA – Notes: “All the kids are crazy for the US, but they’re all sizzle and no steak.” “Given their resources, who couldn’t do what they do?” “It seems like New York City is like a 9th-year senior city.” “Been having some issues with compliance of late, gotta ding ’em for it.” “Still playing a white wide receiver in this day and age? Kinda weird.” “That being said, when these guys get motivated, WATCH OUT, wouldn’t want to face that thing in a dark place or desert.”

7. France – “Seen better times.” “A bunch of coaches have taken a shot at the job and failed. Maybe it’s more about the administration than the personnel.” “Gotta question their fans’ enthusiasm. More of a wine and cheese crowd than die-harders.” “If these jokers get a first-place vote, we all know it’s coming from Woody. Him and his thing for hairy women I guess.” “Seem far too content with their middling success to ever be a top-achiever.” “The Vanderbilt of the G8 in my book.”

8. Italy – “I haven’t really ever thought of bringing up relegation at the press conferences, but what’s it been, like 10 straight years of Italy as the doormat?” “It’s tough to see Berlusconi (shades of Schnellenberger in that man) floundering about with such sub-par personnel.” “They’re just asking for the death-penalty, corruption’s so rampant.” “Haven’t we been letting them coast on their past achievements of Pizza and Sophia Loren?” “Mariotti’s Italian, right? 8th place it is.”

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