US Senate Candidate Admits He Lied About Affair, Admits To Being Stuck In an Empty and Sexless Marriage

May 18, 2010 § Leave a comment

At a press conference in front of his campaign headquarters, U.S. Senate candidate Alan Stinson confessed that he had lied about his much publicized affair with an NFL cheerleader and admitted to still being in a loveless and inescapable marriage to his wife of 29 years.

Fighting back tears, Stinson, the 57-year-old owner of Casa Roja Mexican restaurants, said, “I now recognize that my reputation as a handsome older man who can get any ass I want with little to no consequences is an image built on mistruths and lies. The real Alan Stinson is none of those things. The real Alan Stinson is a man who’s highlight of the week is if “Poison Ivy 3″ comes on TV after my wife’s fallen asleep and I get a chance to see Jaime Pressly’s breasts.”

Positioning himself as the youthful alternative to the incumbent, Stinson first rose to prominence when he held a press conference to confess to having an affair with a Denver Broncos cheerleader. The groundswell of support that followed puzzled political observers, but consensus opinion now holds that the rise in the polls was due to the sympathy from fellow sad-sacks-of-shit married men who saw one of their own Living The Dream.

This second press conference, however, comes as a shock to Stinson’s supporters. “I can’t believe it,” said attorney Ed Lazenbee. “I supported him from the beginning of his affair because I thought ‘Way to go, man!’ y’know? All of my friends agreed: if we could pull in that kind of ass that Alan claimed, we would pull that. Now….now I don’t know what to think.”

The scandal-within-a-scandal started when a member of the press finally thought to ask Ashley Jensen, the cheerleader and mistress-in-question, about the affair. Ms. Jensen, 24, replied that she had never met Mr. Stinson, and going so far as to expressing ignorance to the fact that there was even a United States Senate.

“A what-a-tor?” Jensen asked the reporter. After explaining the role of a senator to Ms. Jensen, the reporter showed the Mesa Community College graduate a photo of the gubernatorial candidate.

“Oh, wow,” Jensen responded. “I guess he’s sorta cute in a rugged way. But he’s not my type. I just don’t think I could be with a man with back hair. Also, Mexican food makes me gassy.”

When asked why she hadn’t spoken out against the Stinson claim sooner, Ms. Jensen admitted that she “wasn’t much of a reader” and that no one in her social circle even knew “where to find the news on TV.”

No word yet from the campaign on the candidate’s next plans, but a spokesperson did confirm that Stinson “was, as he has been for the past 11 years, only getting sex from his hands, except on his birthdays.”

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