When Brady Met Treezy

The AD has a cleaned up and fully propagandized version up of Hoke’s first day. They want us to think this is Roy’s actual reaction to the new coach (around 1:10).

But we all know differently. Here’s a transcript of some security footage of the locker room.

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FADE IN

INT. MICHIGAN LOCKER ROOM – DAY

A near abandoned room with strewn PRACTICE SHORTS and FOOTBALLS, as most the team is walking over to the stadium for the first official meeting with new Michigan coach BRADY HOKE. Near abandoned, as ROY ROUNDTREE is standing in front of TAYLOR LEWAN’s locker, wearing BEATS HEADPHONES and bobbing his head as he stuffs Lewan’s shoes full of silly-string. He is humming and murmuring.

ROUNDTREE

Black n yellow black n yellow…

 

BRADY HOKE walks past the doorway into the locker room in an obvious rush. A dogeared copy of Bo’s Lasting Lessons sticks out of his back pocket. He is sweaty. He stops abruptly upon hearing Roy’s humming. He backs up and walks in the room. Upon crossing the threshold he spontaneously begins shouting.

HOKE

TEAM! HUSTLE! MIDWEST! TEAM! BO! MICHIGAN MEN! CHARACTER! TEAM!

 

Roy doesn’t notice. He moves to Denard’s locker and begins to carve “I LUV ROBERT PATTINSON” into the wood. Hoke goes on babbling for 3 minutes, manages to wrestle his compulsions under control. He walks over to Roy and taps him on the shoulder. Roy turns around, pulling his headphones off [cue Whiz Khalifa music on 100% blast].

ROY

Heeey, what it do, man?

 

Roy points at the carving he’s doing, raises his eyebrows and beams with pride. Hoke doesn’t know what the hell Twilight is, but he know that Bo once made a kid run to Toledo and back just for putting a merit sticker on a bus window. This vandalism will not stand.

HOKE

Young man, this is unacceptable TEAMEXECUTIONBOTEAM.

What do you think you’re doing?

 

 

Roy is confused by the question, mainly because he himself had never asked “what am I doing?” He shrugs.

ROY

I dunno, brah. I was telling Doobie that it would be mad

funny to prank on Denard, and Doobie told me that Denard

had to go on a date to see one of the Twilight movies. Shit’s funny, man.

 

HOKE

GRIT MICHIGAN MEN EFFORT B1G TEN CHAMPIONSHIPS

THE TEAM TEAM THE TORM. Where are your teammates?

 

ROY

Oh, they out at the stadium to meet the new coach. That’s why I

knew Taylor wouldn’t be around. I be along in a minute.

Who you? (suddenly Roy looks suspiciously) You a reporter?

 

HOKE

WORK DEDICATION BO EFFORT MIDWEST TEAM BO

 

Roy shrugs and goes back to carving.

Hoke is about to defeat his verbal tic and launch into a tirade for the ages when DAVE BRANDON shouts from the hallway.

DAVE BRANDON (O.S.)

Dammit, Brady, I told you you could get into the locker room

AFTER the press conference! Remember? This whole thing

is all about the press! I need my weekly newspaper fellatio! Hustle up!

 

Hoke turns toward the camera, looks directly at the audience mournfully.

HOKE

Brady only pawn in game of TEAM FIGHT HISTORY THAT

SCHOOL DOWN SOUTH LLOYD TEAM BO TEAM.

 

Brady slowly walks out of the locker room. Roy finishes his wooden masterpiece. Startled by his BlackBerry vibrating, he pauses his music and answers.

ROY

Heyo, Koger! What it do? What up? Yeah, we just gotta

change Molk’s XBox Live account name to Chubbs50!

FADE TO BLACK.

ON SCREEN, the words “Roy Roundtree later found out who that stranger was in the locker room when he logged on to Facebook and saw all his teammates’ updates.” appear.

NEXT SCREEN, “Coach Hoke never discussed this event with anyone, mainly because he was convinced that the whole thing was a stress-induced dream, since no Michigan Man would act so egregiously. Little did he know.”

FADE OUT

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Oh, lest anyone misconstrue it, this guy (points at himself) is decidedly on #TeamTreezy and this is an act of love and admiration for #12, not mocking. He’s probably one of my favorite players ever.